Teeth Not Required!

Seriously??? Can I catch a break, please???

OK...all I intended was to have an innocent evening out with my girlfriends. I believe that I have mentioned to you that I am a freak magnet, and tonight proved to be no exception.

So we're sitting there, Jackie and I, in the dining area of Oliver Twist, entrenched in a delightful discourse regarding my sucky day and my hope that the situation I am in does not require me to blow a gasket and end up on the 6 o'clock news. ('Cause in all honesty, someone could have --and may still-- get their cranium dented in on the side for pissin' me off). I choose to change my order, so I go to the bar to tell the waitress.

"Hi...can we get just one ravioli instead of..."

Cue the freak...aaaaand, ACTION!

"Hey beautiful!" He touches my arm and smiles a smile with far fewer teeth than required to enjoy a full meal. He is well underdressed for the establishment, has a grimy face and hair, and smells like wet puppies. I imagine that he hasn't washed his hands recently and my inner germaphobe gags just a little bit.

He continues, "You shur er pretty."

"Uhmmmmm, thanks." I continue to speak with the waitress, because I am already on edge, and God forbid she brings two plates of ravioli...

"How er yew today?"

Oh, for corn sake! Really? "I think I have tuberculosis, but I'll be OK." I cough and walk away.

I get back to the table and Jackie and I laugh at my misfortune. We look up, and who is coming our way? None other than grimy puppy boy!

"Y'all are beautiful. I noticed y'all when y'all came in and hugged and everything. That was a beautiful thing there, all the love and e'erything. How 'bout I buy you ladies a drink?"

Did I mention that I am already on edge? I am disgusted because I had just made my earnest plea for Jackie to bail me out of jail should the need arise and I deviate someone's septum and was waiting for her response. I have no words for puppy boy, but Jackie, bless her soul, is as sweet as can be. She entertains his unsolicited banter.

"What's y'all's names?"

Jackie is honest. I think I say my name is Ethel. He asks lots of questions and we see it as out opportunity to entertain ourselves through the art of embellishment. By this time he has inserted himself in our booth and asked us about 4 times if he can buy us a drink. I feel that we deserve to be compensated for his canine fragranced interruption and finally say "yes", because I see the waitress approaching and I could really use a complimentary martini.

We order our drinks. Our uninvited guest continues to delight us with plesantries about his failed electrical business and such. He asks again, "You shur I can't buy y'all a drink?"

"You just did", I say, deadpan. He looks confused.

Jackie tells him that we'd already agreed to let him pay for our round, didn't he remember?, and that we'd just ordered the drinks. How did he miss that?? Maybe he was so enchanted with our lovliness that he didn't catch that part of the conversation.

He hops up from the table, "She din't even ask me nuthin'", and runs back to his spot at the bar. Seconds later, the manager, the owner, and our waitress rush out the front door into the parking lot. Yup, you guessed it. The toothless wonder left the bar without paying his tab...and without paying for the drinks he practically begged us to let him buy. We watch in awe until our amazement turns into a good belly laugh.

But hey...what about my free drink???

Fortunately, our waitress is kind enough to bring us the martinis anyway.

I wonder if I will ever run into my love again. He left before I had a chance to give him my number...