My blog...

12-30-09

So…writing is cathartic and enjoyable for me. I planned to start blogging because, one…my life is a series of tragically funny events and who am I to keep them to myself, two…I thought that my friends, some of whom find me to be mildly amusing on occasion, would enjoy laughing at aforementioned tragically funny events, and three…I wanted to see if I could gather a following of readers. The plan was to be witty and entertaining, and perhaps I still can be…eventually. But today, I have discovered that my head can actually hold about 38 gallons of warm salty water...maybe more...I am still leaking a steady stream of tears.

I have never cried more than I have today. I thought deep, gutteral, take-your-breath-away-to-the -point-where -you-can’t-even-form-a-sentence sobs only happened on soap operas right after Priscilla found out that Drew ran off with Carla. I don’t remember being this sad…ever. Today…my lil Bailey died.

I am a trained counselor, you know. I have coached people (begrudgingly) through their own losses. It has been my contention that, OK, people die, plants die, pets die…it’s part of the circle of life…get over it! But I have never experienced a loss this close and this painful. I have felt pain for my friends who have experienced loss…and for now, I am talking about loss of a pet. Katie. Nairobi. Ginger. Banjo. Jackson. I thought I felt the pain their families felt at losing them, but I now know that you can’t truly know until you experience it. I understand that pain in a different way now.

I tried to remember the “standard” steps in the grieving process as presented in that Death and Dying seminar I took at Carolina. (What a stupid name for a seminar, by the way.) Denial? I think I skipped that step. I am pretty clear on the fact that he’s not coming back. Blame? Yes, I should have been there with Bailey. Did I give the babysitter the wrong dosage info for the phenobarb? I shouldn’t have left him to go on vacation while he wasn’t feeling well. Blame? Check….yup…got that one covered. What’s next, anger?? Hell, I can’t remember what I am clinically expected to feel next. I’ll have to refer to my textbook so that I don‘t miss an important emotional step.

It’s only been about 8 hours, and people have already said some tragically stupid things to me.

“Maybe you should go out and get a new puppy.” Yes, as if I just ran out of deodorant and need a new Lady Speed Stick. Let me run out and do that now…NOT!
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“At least it wasn’t your mother or your daughter”. Oh yeah, good point.

“Don’t be sad.” You are so right. Let’s play Twister instead then.

“It was only a dog.” You are SO lucky that I am not holding a sharp object or a firearm right now.


My greatest comfort has been Jordann, who is wiser than her years.

“Mommy, why are you crying?”

“Because Bailey went to puppy heaven and we’re not gonna see him anymore.”

“That’s why you’re sad?”

I could only manage to shake my head…yes.

“Because now he flew up in the sky?”

Another nod.

“Are you gonna be sad forever.”

“No Baby. Just for a little while.”

“Until thirty o’clock?”

I managed to crack a smile.

“Well, what can I do to make you feel better?”

“Is there something you would like to say to Bailey?”

“Bailey, I will miss you. Have fun flying in the sky. Tell Mommy not to be sad any more. And when you’re finished being dead, you can come back. OK. Bye.”

She’s been so sweet today. She understands.

I’m still crying. Typing…and crying. Crying and typing...and flying. The flight attendant has passed by and given me the ‘you are such a freak’ stare about 12 times now. The little girl in 4D keeps looking at me and whispering to her mother. The gigantic Amazon woman (I am not kidding, she has to be about 6’4” 275 and her forearm is about the size of my thigh…and trust me, my thighs are NOT small) in 5F periodically looks over the top of her seat with an empathetic pout in between bouts of sneezing into her airline blanket and talking to herself. And the family in 7 A, B, C, D and E playing horizontal Uno is really starting to piss me off (but that’s beside the point).

Anyway, this…my first official blog ever…is dedicated to my lil Bailey. May he rest in puppy peace, and know that I loved him more than any person is really supposed to love a dog. Nite-nite pup. Mommy loves you still!!